my new hobby: feeling things

just a girl, trying not to disassociate my way through life

I know I’m not alone in saying that the past five years have been a lot. It’s hard to imagine that only four years ago we were in the middle of a global pandemic that put all of our lives on pause. I’ve grown a lot since 2020 and one big realization I’ve made is just how shut down I’ve been.

It’s not very fun to look back on your life and realize that you’ve been disassociating through the past five years. When you’re in the middle of a fog that thick, it can be hard to find your way out. I look back on memories and I’m sad to realize just how muffled they feel.

One bright spot was my own wedding in 2021. I’ll always remember that day as the best day of my life. But even that day was affected by the pandemic. I was actually supposed to get married in 2020. But instead it was postponed until 2021 and had only a small fraction of all the people I wanted there. I’m grateful for every person who celebrated that day with us and the palpable joy from everyone who had been so isolated for so long. But I can’t help but think about the people who weren’t able to be there because we were scared of a COVID outbreak. It really isn’t something you should have to worry about on the best day of your life.

Not to mention, 2019 brought a toxic, horrible, very bad, no good job into my life. This job brought me countless friends and unending growth. But it also shoved me into a dissociative state that I’m still recovering from today. Then you add on a global pandemic, wedding stress, and all of the bullshit that’s been the past year or so and it’s no wonder I’m sitting here in a daze.

But now that we’re years removed from the pandemic and my horrible job, I can look back and see how clearly I shut down to survive it all. While that’s a heartbreaking thought, this clarity also comes with a silver lining — I’m now more aware than ever.

It sounds kinda stupid to say that I’m finally feeling my feelings. But I don’t think I’m alone in that. Millennials (and every following generation) have grown up with a LOT ™. From the invention of internet to the whole wide web existing on a rectangle shape we stare at constantly, it’s not surprising that generations are left overstimulated and overwhelmed. With this comes an overwhelming desire for quiet and disassociating is one easy way to do that.

As we face 4 more years of uncertainty (more uncertainty that I can even put into words), I don’t want to disassociate through them. I want to live my life and feel my feelings.

So that’s what me and my therapist have been working on (shout out to Maggie!). I’m certainly not perfect at it — it’s pretty weird to reflect on the body I’ve spent my whole life in and try to identify the physical symptoms of my thoughts and emotions. I’m pretty terrible at it tbh. But we all start somewhere I guess.

If there was any part of this post that resonated with you, know you’re not alone. I’m so very sorry you’ve had to numb yourself to get through your life. But please know you deserve to come out of that fog and start to enjoy life, even if it’s just the small things. There’s a lot of garbage in this life (i.e. trump) but there’s also a lot of good. I’m clinging to the good things and I’d love to share some of them with you 💖